Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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