he told me I talked like a deaf person
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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