Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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