Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you would pick up someone in the library
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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