and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
