Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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