Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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