I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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