I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
