I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
organizing the empties. That sober.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
