I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
