Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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