Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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