I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
