Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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