My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
