Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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