I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize