Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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