His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
