I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
