When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
