3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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