I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
