question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
