So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
