I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
