You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My feet surprised me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
