Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
