i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
