I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
