did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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