I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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