Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
