I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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