A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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