i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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