I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
