I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
