I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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