Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
