if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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