It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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