Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
