i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think my moral compass just broke
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