I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
