I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
