your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
