Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize