Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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