HIV tests are more positive than that guy
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
