It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
