Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
There are leaves in my underwear?
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