I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
