careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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