my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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