Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
